Reality Check

     I am just now getting around to posting this even though I wrote it in 2013. I was hesitant to post it all those years ago and now as I read it I can't understand why...it is one of the most real things I have ever written.




     When you seasoned mothers out there read this post you will say, "Ah, yes, my dear, we told you so." But you didn't tell me. You didn't tell me how to detach, only how to attach, you never mentioned how to wean, just that I should breast feed. You never told me how to get my daughter OUT of my bed, only that I should sleep with her. You never told me I would get mad at her, only that I would think that she was the most precious human being to ever walk the earth. You never told me I would bang my head against the wall from the frustrations that come from sleep deprivation or that I would give up every career ambition I have ever wanted previously. You never told me that cleaning toilets and sorting the recycling would become my greatest achievement in a day. You never told me I would look upon my partner with scorn as he snoozes away while I lie awake, permanently trained to sleep lightly, my ear searching for a whimper or a cry...even though there was silence at the time. I have a beef with you mothers and here it is... Now, I know it isn't exactly your fault, but it isn't as though you didn't have an opportunity. All those hours we spent during prenatal visits, long labors and chats over tea. The Women's Studies classes, the conferences and the yoga training workshops. Why didn't you say something. Some of you hinted at it. "The deepest spiritual journey you will ever go on", was what one of you said. But here I am, year 3. A motherhood survivor.
         The midwife who thought she had it all together, the midwife who knew everything about pregnancy and birth. The midwife who knew all about attachment parenting and how important it is. And breast feeding without question, hesitation or predetermined length. The midwife whose maternal instincts were overflowing and at 35 had set an ultimatum for her partner..."Have a baby with me or else!" It may seem quite obvious to most of you, however, for this midwife "it" was not. I am referring to the grand realities of motherhood. The desperately stark difference between pregnancy and motherhood, who thought of that? Shouldn't pregnancy be better preparation for motherhood. For me, it wasn't. I basically just got knocked up and proceeded to eat everything I could get my hands on for 10 months and then out popped a baby. My motherhood instincts were in overdrive initially. I could not be stopped. I had so much energy and was so proud of myself and my daughter that nothing could shake me. No baby blues here. But then around 18 months the sleep deprivation caught up with me and I started to crumble. At almost 2 years post birth I was still breast feeding but started my period again. It was irregular and so was I. I began to have the worst PMS, mini-bouts of depression that blindsided me and were somewhat unpredictable, as was my cycle. This happened to coincide with having a two year old. Emotional, intelligent and expressive my daughter began to strut her stuff. She was learning to be human. She tested the waters of emotional volatility and couldn't control herself when things didn't go her way. Soon these outbursts became more about me than her. I struggled to ride out the tantrums, stay calm, protect her, but allow her to express herself. It was so hard. Breast feeding became this insane road block to freedom for me. Intellectually, I wanted to continue, but emotionally I felt like I was suffocating. I struggle to find the words to describe it now. Trigger. It felt like breast feeding was triggering negative emotions that I did not know how to deal with or expect. I think the time around 2 years and 9 months was the most difficult and yet the most liberating. I weaned her in April just before she turned 3 and at this time she also gave up her paci. We moved into a new chapter, preschool and freedom, for both of us.
     Why am I telling you this? Why do you need to know that I struggle. Why do you need to know that a home birth midwife who thought she was a born mother pulled over her car and walked away from her daughter in her car seat so she could scream into the blank sky, trying to vent some frustration. Why do you need to know that attachment parenting is bullshit if no one ever supports you in a healthy detachment from your child?  Why do you need to know that coffee will become more important than water? Because no one ever told me and now I am here to right that wrong.