Just Checking In

Hi everyone,
Just thought I would take this opportunity to check in with you. My time here is running short and I find myself in an introspective mood. What have I learned here? What have I accomplished? What could I have done better? What is next? The clinic is very quiet right now, in fact, it is empty! All the mamas have gone home. We had no births yesterday and none so far yet today. It feels nice to clear the energy of the place. It is very intense for us as care providers to be around all of this birth all of the time. Even the actual space of the clinic seems to get bogged down by all of the emotions and activity. Now we have room for new birthing energies! I will be leaving here in about 5 days. I can't believe it! I have such a beautiful life at home, wonderful clients and incredible work...I am looking forward to returning to all of that. But there is also a big part of me that wishes I could invest more of my time and energy here. I am already thinking about the next trip I will take. I would like to go serve in a Spanish speaking country, as one of my primary goals is to develop Spanish as my second language. This trip has reminded me of the definition of "midwife", it means to be "with woman". I have certainly been with woman. In so many ways. I snuggled babies and waited anxiously at a mama's feet. I have wiped poop from a woman's bottom and cried with her when her baby died. I pat the father on the back and breathe with the mama during labor, one contraction at a time, breath for breath until the baby is born. I have sat down to dinner with a blood clot stuck to my leg and not cared one bit, I was too hungry and tired. My legs have gone numb and my back got sore after crouching over a mama's torn perineum, diligently suturing until she is back together. There is a part of me that wants to return home and just open a free clinic. Let all the women know that they can come to me anytime, for any donation and I will help. There is a part of me that sees here that if you just serve, everything else will fall into place.
When I first arrived there was a lot to process, there was so much to get used to and so many intense births. Now I find myself longing for that intensity. In a sense I can't believe I was actually overwhelmed, I have developed a new hardened self that can handle more now. An interesting develpment to experience. I have always known that I was cool in emergencies, but this trip has been a real test to that coolness. In a recent birth where I was the primary midwife we had a serious shoulder dystocia in the water followed by the resuscitation of the baby. It was a pretty intense birth but there was this inner voice observing and commenting on my actions. A very intentional and collected voice that was so reassuring. I am pleased to recognize that instinctual part of myself, which is so reassuring when you are in this work! My assistant later said that as things were happening and she was getting stressed she realized I was actually staying "positive" and that reassured her. I recall asking her to hand me things in a positive tone, not a fearful one. I guess that is a big reason why I came...to develop my "emergency self" to learn to maintain a degree of calm thourghout emergency where the entire birth team, including the parents, remains grounded so that I can continue my work in a good environment. I hadn't thought about it before...but it is kind of like making sure the scene is safe when you enter an emergency scene. You can't work in an environment that is in chaos and you can't help anyone else if you yourself become a victim.
I am really just writing all of this to process what I am feeling. I deserve very little praise. If you saw how things are here you would realize that I am not the one that deserves the praise. Really it is the women themselves that deserve the praise. To allow a white woman who they have never met before to catch their baby. To allow me to examine them, to suture them, or walk away with their baby. They are so trusting and open and that is to be admired. This was a great warm up to more challenging missions, which of course I want to take (Sorry, Mom!). This has been, "Medical Mission Light" as we like to call it here, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It is very politically complicated here and is neither overwhelmingly busy, understaffed or understocked. We are 10 minutes from a hoispital and have plenty of help. There is very little structure for volunteers and very little definition of the boundaries or expectations. I was told to just jump in. Births can get chaotic, with several midwives trying to direct the show. The births can become a sort of "show" with the mama as the star attraction. I have really worked on modeling how to hold a sacred space for the mama, which has been a challenge. It took some time to earn the respect of the other midwives, but once I proved myself, things fell into place.
Thanks for letting me journal all of this...I really want to get as many of my feelings down so that I can have a record. This blog is really my only recreational exercise, my social life if you will. Love to all...